As the Trick Turns

By Tricksie Jones

July  2009 Column

Dear Kirbie Dick and Charlie Crist, respectively –

In the words of Harvey Milk, I would like to take this opportunity to come out “once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake”.

Yes, your deepest suspicions about me are true. All those days I lock myself away from the world, frantically reading the Wall Street Journal under the covers,  dreaming about hidden desires I dare not express. Yes,  I Tricksie Jones, must take this moment to come out “for your sake” and tell you all - that I would totally bottom for Peggy Noonan!

Those (list seemingly innocuous attributes that might have a raunchy double meaning). Her grandly verbose yet ultimately meaningless response to the recently released Bush Administration’s torture memos not only intrigued me, it fucking got me wet!

Now, Mr. Dick or Gov. Crist, do either of you feel a little more liberated knowing that I would love to let Mistress Peggy water-board my bush memo? If the answer is a most definite “NO” or “Oh, my FUCKING god, I’m frigid”, then you’re probably feeling about as liberated as I felt watching Mr. Dicks silver screen witch hunt, ahem, documentary Outrage.

Although it is good naughty fun to wonder if <insert double entendre about Charlie Crist having gay sex here> there is ultimately no proof. It also, ultimately, doesn’t mean SHIT to the movement for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender rights! (Yeah, that’s right bitches! I put the “Lesbian” part first. What the fuck are you going to do about it?)

Anyway, let’s stop for a moment and consider Ken Mehlman, campaign manager for Dubya’s infamous presidential re-election campaign in 2004, another political player whose sexual identity the movie raises questions about. His campaign narrowly won by scapegoating America’s various woes on (wait for it) Gay Marriage (insert scary music here). What if Ken Mehlman went balls out and told everyone he liked to<insert political sexual double entendre here> , would that dissuade any gun-toting religion-clinging red-staters that Gay Marriage (insert scary music here) would destroy the universe as we know it? It sure as hell would make us give some people a sense of satisfaction that his personal life was intruded upon; the way the government intrudes on the personal lives of LGBT American’s every day. But ultimately, it wouldn’t get jack shit accomplished.

Likewise, Gov. Crist, if you don’t like people rooting around in your sex life or descriptions of women getting naked (never mind Peggy Noonan), why not consider that before you support contemptible ballot measures such as Florida’s Amendment 2.   http://www.unmarried.org/fl-amendment-2.html which states that no other partnership, other than a marriage between a man and a woman, has any legal rights. While support of Amendment 2 may have been a move that’s simply political as say, I don’t know,  getting married right before McCain chose a running mate; it’s not simply anything for the unmarried couples, gay and otherwise, who are now perfect strangers under the law. 

In closing, in honor of Sodomy Appreciation Month, I would like to ask that each and  everyone of us, for your sake, for my sake,  get a fucking sex life of their own and start focusing on the real issues facing America – such how to keep your masturbatory pursuits free of newsprint stains.  Peggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.  Peggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Tricks

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As the Trick Turns: April